I do not have a brain freeze or writers block, but I can’t seem to fit sentences together properly right now. Nothing seems to satisfy me. I’ve been reading up on “proper ways to blog” or “how to get followers on your blog” and they all seem to say the same things, like don’t use big words or try to be poetic or complicated because people aren’t interested in trying to figure it out and it is hard to understand.
But really, who cares? If you want to be complicated, be complicated, if you feel like being poetic, be poetic.. I think blogging is about letting others hear your voice, however that voice sounds. With that said, I think blogs should be as informal or formal as you see fit for yourself and thought of as a public diary in a sense. What I do not agree with is writing for people to like it, or understand it, or to try so hard for people to relate to it. That is not going to happen, because by trying, you are phrasing things certain ways and veering off your own true opinions just to be an agreeable or like-able person.
Personally, I am not here to get followers or to get likes, or to get famous for that matter… I am merely here to express my thoughts out loud, get some writing in at the end of my day to release stress or anything that may be bothering me (which is a lot right now. ugh.) and to voice my opinion in a different way other than to my small circles. I say this with all honesty, and by all means I am happy to have people read these blogs and it makes me feel great when someone likes it that they relate in some way and it makes me feel less alone on the subjects.. my point is that I write to write and if people agree: great, if not: then great too.
Now I am going to shift my topic over to frustrations. I am going to write about frustrations because I feel frustrated. I am frustrated that things aren’t seeming to go my way and I’ve never been okay with that and I’ve always made sure to do something about it because Ive always known myself to be independent, self-sufficient, and strong as hell in any situation. Suddenly I feel like I’ve lost some of that control and confidence somewhere. It slipped and its not matter of “I can’t get it back” but its definitely much harder than I thought it could ever be. I’m in denial about many things and I’m too stubborn to admit these things to myself and make decisions. I’m too stubborn because I let myself care too much and I gave my entire self to it and now I feel like if I let it go I will lose a part of myself. Once I lose that part of myself it will be so damn hard to get it back again and I think I am scared. What am I saying? I know I’m scared. For example, I was happy all weekend, and out of nowhere I got down and my sister even pointed it out, she said, “Are you okay? You suddenly got all serious on me.” And I swear to you, I felt all my energy go away and I couldn’t control it. That has never happened to me before! I hated the feeling, and I felt so out of my own emotional control.
Another frustration: Transitioning from constantly being around people in college to now being alone and having to make plans to meet up with people, coordinate schedules with friends that were once a part of your everyday lives and now you see maybe 3 times in one month. I would compare it to a culture shock. Like, imagine moving from New York to, I don’t know Alaska… that’s how I feel. haha. its actually kind of funny because although it may seem like I’m exaggerating, I think thats exactly how I feel! I went from 4 years of crazy (in a good way) roommates and parties, and sports games, and events, and a campus full of people to a little room in Harlem where I don’t know anyone, far away from all of that noise that I got so accustomed to. I have to get up and go to my internship, or go workout, or go to work, and then come back to Harlem, usually not seeing or even talking to one person I care about in that whole day, and its like..woah where’d all my people go? It just feels lonely and weird and I am just that kind of people person that LOVES having company or someone to talk to and all of a sudden it is so rare to get that unless I initiate it. That is a whole other part of my frustration.. is the feeling that I always have to ask people if they are available and so it feels like I’m imposing on them, or putting in all the effort to most likely get rejected..and I’m not saying “rejected” in a bad way like its being done maliciously, but I mean that they are busy and can’t hang out. I don’t know, its a silly frustration I guess, but it is all part of the adaptation process of being a grown-up..lol. I don’t wanna grow up! : ( I am stuck in that forever young stage. Its too scary to think of being an adult.
I truly apologize for this kind of heavy blog I threw out at you all today. I just feel that it is necessary to write down what you are feeling in the present moment instead of keeping it cooped up inside. I think writing it out helps, and I love all the happy, peppy, positive motivation blogs everyone posts, but I just wanna be real today and tell it like is!
I already feel a billion times better! : ) Everyone have a happy week. Feel free to respond and share your thoughts.